Birthday was a mixture of happy and sad.. the children and man about the place made a special day for me.. the students at school sang for me… and my MIL gave me a beautiful pink camellia that will bloom each November as a remembrance of my sister. Very sweet.

Then the weekend became a blur. Friday I left school immediately to watch middle son play basketball. Then a dear friend made my family dinner for my birthday. Then some of the family headed to a school play (Dh and middle son) and eldest to video a HS basketball game, and youngest and I headed home where I cleaned bathrooms and mopped and did laundry and cleaned the kitchen.

Sat am up early. Youngest and I went to our church to help set up for our Fest. Monies raised go to local charities. Then I dashed nearby to get my haircut and then back to the Fest to purchase our wreath for the door. Then to the grocery store, then home. Dh had middle son at a Bar Mitzvah for his best friend. Eldest had slept late because he had been out until 1:30 doing Junior firefighter duty at a local structure fire. He did throw his clothes in the laundry when he was dropped off, and when he woke, he did some vacuuming.
SO, dh came home and took the younger 2 to their school festival while I made fruitcakes and ran up to the school to pick up the Christmas tree, fresh cut from the mountains, delivered by the Lacrosse team. Then everyone home to dinner. Then dh and middle off to bar Mitvah party, and me curled up knitting a gift and watching a movie.

Today, decorating the house, cooking for the next few days, walk in the woods with a friend and youngest, Middle and Eldest running around doing their thing. I cannot even remember all we did today. Friends stopped by to see new house.. then friend for dinner…very nice, but meant my school work was left very late. So photos to come.. off to bed to rest now.

Not sure how this day is going to go. It is my birthday, but I am having the weepies. It’s just too much right now.

My mother did call to remind me of a cake my sister made for me when I was in high school. It came from a Southern Home Cook Book I think.. in any case, it was in the shape of a cheeseburger. She baked and decorated it.. she must have been about 12 or 13, and it looked really good, just like the picture. It was a funny, hilarious birthday cake.

Fortunately, the family keeps me in the here and now. There is a youngest son learning cursive writing at school, and I know he has made my birthday card in cursive because he kept asking me to help him learn the letters they had not covered yet, “you know mom, like if I want to write birthday or something like that.”

And the middle son, at 13, is about to attend his first bar mitzvah for a lifelong friend. And has decided he needs a suit. So suit shopping might be on the agenda.

And there is a basketball game. And my own work, and ….

But there will be those quiet moments, when I think I will barely be able to face my own thoughts.

Sunset from our new dining room.

Loss and grief often make you feel as if there is no more joy. Your heart feels leaden, and your mind feels stiff. But someday, joy returns, and it returns in a glorious way… more sharp and clear than joy you have ever felt before.

I read today, on another lovely blog, about fasting before the feast. (I enjoy this blog.. traditions so different from our own, but so lovely and passionate and faithful. Her words really spoke to me today. )There really cannot be a feast unless the fast comes before. And there really cannot be true joy, until you have felt devastating loss.

As I take this Advent journey, I am looking for spots of joy to help me out of my waves of grief. The shiny candlelight on Christmas Eve evoke joy for me. “Joy to the World” ringing loud and clear in church, evokes that kind of joy as well.

With our new home, there have been plenty of moments of joy. We have a new large living area, with no furniture.. which leads the small ones to enjoy  tumbling.. and on a recent evening, even us adults got involved.

This is yours truly, doing her first cart-wheel in years.. probably since I was about 23ish. Yes, my shoulders ached for a few days afterwards, but I was able to feel a girlish joy… a joy at being alive.. a joy at being able bodied. Because I have learned, that is a joy, not just a given. So I reveled in it for a bit.. and then iced the shoulders for a few days.

I am discovering new spots in my home as well that bring me joy and make me happy. They are new spots with old familiar comforts.

Family photos, in new places, with the glass all cleaned and frames dusted bring comfort in this new place.

A new study.. full of old materials, but new to me furniture. A new desk, given to us by a work colleague. My dh painted it fresh and it is a lovely new work surface. Also, a new file cabinet, from a government office, which we bought used. I have replaced most of the labels with mundane things like Taxes, Utility, House payment, Phone Bills… but I left the 2 that said “Official oaths”. You never know when you will need to file away an official oath. That just tickles me so much.. a small ray of sunshine in my heart.

And I love the new wide windowsills.. they are wonderful homes for the many candles made for holidays past, and a great place for forcing winter bulbs.. something that will bring me joy in the cold days of winter. There is nothing so cheery as the small white face and sweet fragrance of the narcissus.

So, Advent Journey – taking steps to find joy this year – in whatever form I can. And yet at the same time appreciating the knowledge that there is a reason to be grateful for grief.. the sadness will intensify the joy, just as a fast will intensify the magnificence of a feast.

I have blogged about Advent before, and thought I had better gather some inspiration for the month long journey ahead. I blog mostly for myself, and for the family history, and so I enjoy turning back and seeing where we have been.

In December of 2007 I did a post a day, and I enjoy going back and looking at the things we did, and will do again this year, as we did last year. The link to the first post is here:

http://willowcaroline.wordpress.com/2007/12/02/advent-expect-await-prepare/

But I also enjoy peeking into homes around the world and being a part of their tradition. Here are some places I traditionally “peek” and will do so again this year, because their homes are warm and wonderful.

Suse, over at Pea Soup, shares her Advent traditions every year, and they are OH SO Familiar as they use Steiner tradition in their home as well.. but she is around the globe from me. How wonderful that the world can be so large and small at the same time. We use the same verses and songs.. but we are sunk in winter, while she is warm with summer light. Visit with her here.

And I always enjoy the inspiration and insight at Britt -Arnhild’s House in the Woods. When I read her blog, I get a sense of someone who knows how to enjoy living.. someone that relishes the everyday in a relaxed way. A meal is not a hurried affair.. it is savoured and enjoyed. Her home seems warm and cozy, with a truly spiritual essence that I wish I knew how to capture. She is looking at Advent again this year, so go visit and be inspired.

And finally, closer to home, is Sarah and her family in snowy Vermont. Another Waldorf family, I enjoy seeing their family traditions, especially the wonderful handmade gifts they make for each other each year. They too have lit the first candle, in a unique candle holder of their own making.

I am also on the hunt for new sites to visit.. so let me know if there are any that inspire you. Or, if you have a tradition you want to share, I would love to hear that as well.

November is over. It has been an unusual fall. The joy of the new house, and creating a “home” in it has been in sharp contrast to the sadness of losing my sister. The life of work at this time of year is always hectic and busy, and that has been compounded by the home life that is in disarray and trying to get it ordered and unpacked. The weather has often been dreary and sad.. we had over 10 inches of rain in Nov… which filled our pond, but also kept us chilled and damp.

And now we turn our sights to December. My emotions are all over the map as I contemplate creating holidays for my children worth remembering, focus on the meaning of this time of year, reflect on all the changes and try to look forward to a new beginning. It seems too much.

But life goes on, and Advent will bring me through. The process of preparing the heart for the birth of the Saviour is something I can grasp on to.. even cling to, this year. The winter of life, the death of my sister, must come before the rebirth of the spring, and her eternal life. And all pivots on that joyous Christmas birth. How can I not take part?

Thanksgiving was a practice. I was able to cook a turkey and enjoyed cooking with my younger boys. We did visit with family and eat wonderful treats and it was okay. Lost of sad moments for me, which I kept inside, but I did survive. And life goes on.

This weekend, the youngest and I went walking around our land and prepared our Advent wreath. Normally, we do this communally at our church. Everyone gathers together and shares their greenery and makes their wreaths. But church is somewhere too tender to visit yet. I am afraid of my response during the service. I am too raw. So we did ours at home, and it was fun to name the plants for him, and collect the best branches.

Rose hips from the wild Carolina rose, magnolia seed pods, rosemary in bloom, alder cones, pine, blue spruce,.. treasures from our yard making our wreath cheerful and bright.

Our traditions are very much in keeping with the Waldorf traditions the children get at school, cross pollinated with Episcopalian ritual. So the youngest picked shells and rocks for this first week, and next week plants will be part of the picture.. we will add some moss or something. Then the wooden animals will show up, and finally the Mary and Joseph. We have this wonderful arched divider between living and dining room that we are putting everything on this year. In the old house, we used the table and the hutch and the stairs, depending on the year. But the constancy of the tradition still shows.

“Advent, Advent, the candle burns.

Advent, Advent, the candle burns.

First one, then two, then three, then four,

Then stands the Christ child at the door.”

December, welcome. Welcome to your joys and sorrows, your new and old, your familiar and strange…welcome.

it isn’t as dramatic as you think it will be. Partly because every time the phone rings, you feel your stomach clutch and you feel the sweat break out…only to find out it is a reminder of a doctor appt or something. After doing this for a week, it is almost a relief to have the call finally come. And you find you are calm and able to talk… to try to sooth your parents who have said goodbye to a child.

You then call your grandmother and mother in law and have a good chat and a few tears.. all very controlled. You share the news with your children. The eyes are red rimmed and the nose stuffy..

But the dam is about to burst…not sure when, but it will. Grief, great waves of grief.. for what has happened, for a life too short, for regret and guilt, for pain and sorrow and a huge hole and a great gulf that has opened in your life.

That dam is about to burst, and I wonder how you get to the other side.

She was my childhood playmate and my teenage sparring partner. She and I were not 2 peas in a pod.. we were as different as night and day. She was brave and bold and I was reserved and cautious. She was always doing and trying things before me. I was always waiting to see how it turned out. Yet I was the older one. Somehow, that just seems strange. I was always held back by my worries and fears until I saw that she survived, so I would too.

And here again, she has been the first to take that journey into another place. I hope the heavens opened and welcomed her soul.. her brave, pretty, strong soul. I hope my great grandmother was there to welcome her and make her feel at home. I hope she is at peace. I hope she knows that tears are being shed for her.. that hearts are very sad.. that we feel that a hole is now in our lives.

Jan 27 – Nov 5

4 weekends in a row painting the new house. And now 2 weekends in a row, moving in. Life has been very hectic and swirly. And the autumn backdrop of colorful leaves and cool rain has come as a surprise when I have had time to look up.

This weekend, a birthday for a newly minted nine year old, and the first wisdom teeth removed added to the fun. The new house has already provided us comfort and joy for these occasions.

You can check out the latest here:              http://rmlamb.wordpress.com/

Unfortunately, in the midst of all this happiness and contentedness, in the midst of everyday chaos, there is a shadow. My sister has entered the Valley of the shadow, morphine making her comfortable.. and I wait for the phone to ring. I try to comfort my mother as she faces that thing no parent thinks it is right to face. I told her it was okay to be angry.. this is not the way it is supposed to be. But it is what it is…at this point, we have to hope she is comfortable and not suffering.

Where have I been…

Well, working 5 days a week educating the future. School has been a bit hectic of late.. we had homecoming, Open House, and a near tragedy that took up some emotional space, but has turned out very happily. We have also been battling the forces of H1N1. It is tough to have 2 -5 students out each week due to flu and try to catch them up when they return. But, this is normal work stuff.

When I am not at work, I have been here:

That is me, painting the eldest’s new bedroom. He chose a slightly brighter blue than we used elsewhere in the house.. looks very bright and cheerful. This was Friday night’s job. Saturday it was time to touch up his room, and touch up the middle child’s room – he chose a very pale grey which he plans to accessorize with bright punches of red.

Eldest's room, touched up and finished...upstairs doors ready to install.

Because of all the allergies the middle son has, we are putting down flooring in there rather than carpet.. so we need to get to installing these bamboo flooring planks…

We have invited people to dinner and then not let them leave until they helped paint… okay, that is only partially true. But we have needed some help. Sat night an entire group helped paint the upper common room white.

Saturday night I touched up the den paint and the man about the place touched up the ceilings. The den and our bedroom and the youngest child’s bedroom are a lovely blue.

Youngest son's room... lots of nooks and crannies.

The children have helped quite a bit.. they fetch and carry and have done some painting. They help cook dinner and do laundry.

Today I spent the day putting on the second coat of paint downstairs… the living room, hall and stairway are all a color named “applesauce”… which is a bit more buttery/yellowy than these pictures show. It took me about 6.5 hours with a bagel brought in by middle son and water brought in by youngest. Whew.

We are near the end of this process. It has almost been 2 months.. so it has not been long.. but I am ready for it to be over. No mother likes having chaos and uncertainty.

And there is this nice pale pink office/sewing space off my kitchen with my name on it… cannot wait.

And it feels odd to realize that while I have been microfocused on this house project, life has changed seasons and began to move toward darkness….

The view out the new dining room window confirms that fall is here. This view is lovely.. reds and greens and browns and yellows. It will be so much better when the equipment goes home. There is a family of mallards that have arrived for a few weeks and are fun to watch from the window. We need rain though.. pond is way down.

Well, that is where I am.. hope to join you more regularly soon!

More of today's handiwork.

If you have ever visited her blog, you would see the beautiful dolls she creates. Not long ago, she posted a vintage pattern for a Holly Hobby Doll , and it looked so wonderfully familiar.

My grandmother sewed most of her clothes from a young age. She made beautiful taffeta and organza masterpieces for her only daughter, my mom. And when my sister and I were young, she made many of our very 70s style clothing. She would come for long summer visits, we would pick out fabrics and materials, and she would begin a sewing marathon: everything coordinated – jumpers and shirts and skirts that could mix and match.

So I learned to sew from her, even inheriting one of her machines for my first sewing projects. I made my confirmation dress of a white dotted swiss material. And my first dress was made for the first day of junior high. I loved that dress, and I still have both of them. It took me 3 tries to make the collar of the junior high dress because I kept clipping through the seam when I tried to clip the curve.

But even though I was 13/14 at the time of this dressmaking, I still enjoyed dolls. Not so much to play with, but I appreciated them, enjoyed having them.  And I made the very doll that Little Jenny Wren posted the pattern for. I think I enjoyed the wardrobe aspect of the doll the most, and this doll had lovely dresses and aprons and underwear and shoes.

With things packed up for the move, it took some doing to dig these out. And there wasn’t much time for spending on pictures, but I snapped a few – they are not great, but I wanted to share my doll.

Her head is made of a white child’s sock. This is very similar to the way we make Waldorf dolls here. We use a gauze tube, or an old childs sock, or a bit of torn pantyhose to shape the head and hold the stuffing, and then we place the “skin fabric” over this bit. This doll simply has a head made of a sock. And the body is made of cotton. Waldorf doll bodies are made of the same knit skin fabric. My doll was stuffed with the only thing available to us at the time.. a hideous chunky polyester stuffing. This stuff was in cube like shapes, and one side of the cube had a smooth, shiny, stiff surface. Which means the stuffing is sort of boxy. When I learned to make Waldorf dolls, I was so in love with the wool stuffing – no hard edges when you go to give your doll a hug.

I was making this purely on my own, with only the instructions as my guide… no course, no previous experience, no one to help me. I think she turned out okay overall, but today, I can look and see where my mistakes were.

This doll has button eyes, which is also different from Waldorf dolls. Usually, they are embroidered on, very simply. This doll has embroidered features – mouth, nose, eyebrows – much more detail than you see on a Waldorf doll. You can also see I used pastels to color her. I think I was always a bit disturbed by her paleness – she is so very pure white. So a bit  of chalk in a peach color for blusher helped make her look more alive. To my grownup eye, it makes her look  a bit gaudy. And I was fascinated by freckles from an early age, often using my mom’s eyebrow pencil to freckle my own nose. This doll has a smattering of freckles too.

She had bloomers and a slip with lovely beaded edging with a blue satin ribbon threaded through it. She had an everyday blue dress with white pinafore with tiny buttons for trim. And a fancier green dress with tatted edging and a peach pinafore. She also had some accesories borrowed from my mothers old dolls. Like the umbrella – wooden handle, opens and closes, and still looks lovely almost 60 years after my mom played with it.

She had a stole, which also came from my mother’s things. And black felt shoes which I made. One shoe stretched a bit over time, and kept falling off. I could not find it for the photo, which makes me wonder if I lost it a long time ago, or if it just somewhere at the bottom of the large trunk where she lives.

Stitches were made in the hands to delineate fingers… another detail left off in a Waldorf doll…

Her only current shoe, with a button for a buckle.

I would love to find the pattern for the doll at my mom’s house. And someday, I think I would like to either try again with the pattern, or perhaps simply renovate this doll.  On the other hand, I also think I would love to make another Waldorf doll and dress her up. (I know so much more about doll making now, although I am certainly no expert. Getting the stuffing packed in firm enough is still one of my weak points… I always wished I had made it just a bit firmer later on.)  Make her a wardrobe. I made dolls for all my boys, and they are very clearly loved and bedraggled. I sometimes think I just need to freshen them up, but on the other hand, all these dolls in their battered state represent love and care and childish joy. To remake them and make them pristine again seems wrong somehow…

So maybe, in my new house, in my new sewing room/office, I will make my very own grownup play toy – and use all my scraps of lace and trim to make her a smashing wardrobe. Who knows…

Currently: Listening to BBC 7 – To the Manor Born, and I need to catch up with Lord Peter Whimsey and the Unpleasantness at the Belona Club. (I really love reading Dorothy L. Sayers, and I love Lord Peter.. mmm.)

Dusk is coming.. and it is early. This past few weeks the light has really changed. Not even 7:30, and I need the lights on.

Impatient is the mood. The new house is coming along fine.. but this end part of the process seems so slow. We knew it would be tough. But to live within feet of something that looks finished.. torture. A few more weeks. Tomorrow finish off insulation, Tuesday get the final inspection done on the insulation (passed all the electrical/plumbing/mechanical inspections last week) and then the sheet rocking upstairs begins, and then it will be almost done.

The house continues to overflow with boxes. This summer I packed all the stuff I definitely didn’t need before we moved in or shortly thereafter… like winter coats and Christmas ornaments and the kids memory boxes. They are safely stored at the inlaws. Lately, the focus has been on cleaning and sorting the stuff we will need soon after we move in. Getting rid of duplicates, emptying book shelves so we can move them. Going through the fabric and yarn and organizing. So weekends I dust and pack, and there is a den area full of boxes. And a front room full of give away/donate.

Recently: But, I have finished a sweater project. The complete details are on Ravelry, for knitterly types. I think this will be a very nice late fall/winter sweater. It has 3/4 length sleeves, and the yarn is soft and squooshy. Looking forward to wearing it.

Closeup of the lace on the bottom and the sleeve.

Packed and ready to move into the new house.

This sweater is called the Ring of Tara jacket from Knit N Style magazine, August 09 issue. I used Galway yarn by Plymouth yarns.

Last week: This week has flown by. Last weekend was Labor Day, and we packed and cleaned and went on a family hike at Badin Lake.

The 5 best guys in the world.. The husband and my three sons and Uncle B.

We hiked up and down for 5 plus miles, making a circuit around the various campgrounds, most of the hike being at the water's edge.

We kept bumping into this fellow...heron or egret.. can't remember which..the leg color tells the story.. should look it up.

Looked it up here, and it appears calling it either heron or egret is okay.

Fresh air and exercise felt great... and we were scouting it out for a scout weekend coming up.. it should do just fine.

These were so pretty and summery...

But it is clear that the seasons, they are a changin'...