All my guys headed to my brother and sister in laws house for a weekend of fishing. I stayed at home to get lessons written, and to find some quiet before the storm.
But quiet can sometimes be too loud. It is meltdown time around here. Music is moving me to cry. Butterflies almost seem too beautiful to watch. I cannot believe how emotional I am.
I am working through normal emotions I know… but their intensity is really more than I thought I would have.
I feel at moments as if the best part of my life is now officially over. My wonderful childbearing days are gone. My youth is done. My babies are grown, and there will be no more.
My head says “Piffle”. Of course, child bearing ended almost 7 years ago.. no surprise there. We were done. With 5 pregnancies, and three healthy children, we were blessed. My children will need me still for years. These teen years will be a time they need me most. And then there will be grandbabies someday, when the time is right, I pray. And I will always be as young as I feel.
Then I start to worry I will be turning into some comic hag. But I know vibrant, healthy, interesting women who have had this surgery. I can still be whomever I choose to be. I can still grow and learn and live a wonderful full life, I just have to choose to do so.
I am trying to walk around saying positive thoughts to myself. I am trying to look clearly at the reasons for this surgery. Every twinge of pain, and uncomfortableness I embrace and remind myself that the surgery is removing that source of discomfort. The man about the place reassures me over and over as well… and I am thankful for that.
The menfolk will be home soon. They called to say they were on their way. They have called several times each day.. to tell about the fish and the water skiing and to say goodnight. I am cherished and blessed and will always be so by these wonderful guys. I let the tears fall, and then straighten my shoulders to soldier on. It is okay to grieve, but it will also be okay to let go and move on. I am living a very blessed life.