I hate when the emotions are just sitting there, at the edge, waiting for someone to come along and push them over. You know they are going over, the way you know a small child playing near a fountain is going to get wet. Given long enough.
And it is irritating to not be able to let go of the bad feelings. Feelings you are taking on, when it is not absolutely necessary. A parent gets fussy at you, even though you KNOW you are working very hard to educate her child, and every other child, to the point of ignoring your lunch, and getting home late because you took the time to call. You KNOW you are doing the best you can do, and going above and beyond. But you cannot let the bad feelings go.
You arrive home to your spouse, who is fighting his own battles and needs you to soldier on at his side, on his side. And yet, you feel the welling up of emotions from the battles at work, you know the work that you still have ahead of you, and you know his battles are of his own making, and could be avoided….but you WILL yourself to let love win over your emotions. To not give in to being the needy one, but the soldiering one.
And then you see the moon almost full, and you know better why life seems to be conspiring to make you so moody and emotional and cup overflowingeth.
You hope THIS time, you get it right. You manage to set aside the silliest of the emotions because they are silly. You bring out the right amount of empathy and understanding. You hope this time you will be the graceful wise ADULT you always hoped you would turn out to be.
Fortunately, long experience has taught me equilibrium will be reached once again, and the turmoil inside will subside….and knowing that, allows the pressure to ease a bit. The pressure on self to be PERFECT is a tough pressure. Trying to keep my job from eating me alive, is tough. Trying to be mom, wife, teacher, neighbor, friend and SELF, means everyone gets a small slice, or some not at all… and an imperfect slice quite frequently.
As my grandmother always said, “Remember, this too shall pass”.. and fortunately, this is a teensy little blip that by next week will be forgotten. But while in the midst, it is so hard to do what I know I need to do.
And of course, the hormones could be lending their helping hands.