I feel so spent. It is as if I have let myself finally unwind, and once unwound, I cannot gather the forces to do anything more, even fun stuff.
But I know this will pass.
I also feel so weepy, and usually need a good cry. I am not sure why I always feel the need to weep.. it is almost overwhelming, like after you give birth. Everything is generally positive and good, but something makes you cry. With childbirth, we know there are hormones contributing to the situation.
In a way, teaching is like birthing…a long hard struggle, with a final few weeks of chaos and transition, at times seeming so insurmountable. And then, once surmounted, the final week of tidying up, calling it a year, thinking and reflecting. The good moments, the thank yous from parents, pats on the back… and then the much more frequent black moments of feeling like if I had just done x ,y or z.. did I try hard enough, did I utilize the best resources I could have, why didn’t I make my lessons more __________.
Overall, I had a decent year. Nice enough students, not too many tough ones, even in my weaker classes. Smaller classes second semester was nice. And a successful first semester, in spite of my being out and recovering from surgery and trying to teach…
A wise friend, and fellow teacher, says that it is imperative to walk out of class asking “What could I have done better/different/instead….” and to some extent, that is really how we grow as teachers, parents, human beings. So reflection is a good thing, a necessary thing.. and now I get time to reflect.
So I will have my weep. It will clear the air. But I also have some wonderfully relaxed days ahead. Just this evening I got to stroll with my youngest boy back from the pond.. leisurely, because dinner could be late tonight,… and we noticed a new nest built in the cherry tree. It was an interesting nest as it had a bit of shoelace, a bit of string, a bit of paper toweling, some bits of blackberry thorns we had cut out of the bushes a while back and composted, some black landscaping fabric. I looked and thought “what a frugal/thrifty little bird”… and my youngest looked and said “What a wonderful place to lay an egg.”
My eggs are all here in a thrifty pieced together house as well… and we are all looking forward to summer slowness.
Stay tuned tomorrow for A DAY IN MY LIFE with Little Jenny Wren.