The end of summer.
I feel the walls of regret closing in – wishing I had done more of this or that, wishing I had not packed away that cookbook or that article of clothing, realizing that the glorious moments of being carefree are now gone until next summer – this is a gloomy place to be.
And I go to this place each year at this time. I think much of it stems from fear of the unknown and a lack of confidence on my part. Am I ready for new classes, new students? Did I study enough this summer to be able to teach this new course? Will my students like me and will I like them? Past experience should tell me that everything tends to work out, things tend to flow smoothly, but no year is ever just like the last.. there is always a new challenge, a new obstacle.
And of course, I am pulled by the new house. It is both comforting and calming.. just walking through the empty rooms can calm me down and remind me of the joys to come as we make this new house our Home…and it is also the source of some discontent. I want to be home with the new house, playing with it, decorating and moving in… and when that time comes, will there be time to enjoy that process in the midst of a hectic fall semester? Sounds like I am borrowing trouble though.. those worries need to be put away as nonproductive. When the time comes, it will be what it will be.
So today and tomorrow are jam packed with preparations.. it is all so different when one works full time. Grocery shopping can no longer be a casual affair, because if I forget something I can run by tomorrow. It must be a well-planned orchestrated trip, because there won’t be a minute to go again until next weekend. Laundry and house cleaning must be done now, because there is so little time during the week. And there are a few things I still need to do for class on Tuesday…Monday is a work day, and I have a list of things I need to get done.
I have been keeping this blog long enough to see that I go through this every fall… this is the moment when the deep breathing and earnest praying begins. Asking for my eyes to be opened to my students and their needs, for the ability to reach them all and bring them with me on this journey, to not leave anyone behind. The prayers extend to my children, that their teachers are ready, that my children are receptive to their lessons, that they have a good experience, that we can help them when it gets rough.
The 25th is the first day of school.. and it will be so much more than that as well. We will have a memorial service to attend that evening for the father of a dear friend. And it is our 19th wedding anniversary. What an emotional day…
Here’s to the beginning of school, and a new semester and learning experience, new challenges and experiences…