it isn’t as dramatic as you think it will be. Partly because every time the phone rings, you feel your stomach clutch and you feel the sweat break out…only to find out it is a reminder of a doctor appt or something. After doing this for a week, it is almost a relief to have the call finally come. And you find you are calm and able to talk… to try to sooth your parents who have said goodbye to a child.
You then call your grandmother and mother in law and have a good chat and a few tears.. all very controlled. You share the news with your children. The eyes are red rimmed and the nose stuffy..
But the dam is about to burst…not sure when, but it will. Grief, great waves of grief.. for what has happened, for a life too short, for regret and guilt, for pain and sorrow and a huge hole and a great gulf that has opened in your life.
That dam is about to burst, and I wonder how you get to the other side.
She was my childhood playmate and my teenage sparring partner. She and I were not 2 peas in a pod.. we were as different as night and day. She was brave and bold and I was reserved and cautious. She was always doing and trying things before me. I was always waiting to see how it turned out. Yet I was the older one. Somehow, that just seems strange. I was always held back by my worries and fears until I saw that she survived, so I would too.
And here again, she has been the first to take that journey into another place. I hope the heavens opened and welcomed her soul.. her brave, pretty, strong soul. I hope my great grandmother was there to welcome her and make her feel at home. I hope she is at peace. I hope she knows that tears are being shed for her.. that hearts are very sad.. that we feel that a hole is now in our lives.
Jan 27 – Nov 5