Usually, there is much anticipation about Easter.. it is a morning of church, the graveyard egg hunt, the egg hunt at home, something Easterish for breakfast and a big ham dinner, perhaps with company, fresh pressed Easter clothes. But this year, it was none of these.
Usually there is a nice long spring break leading up to Easter.. but this year, it was 2 days shorter. And the end of the marking period, so I brought home a great deal of work, and have to work the work day tomorrow to finish catching up and hopefully get ahead. I did accomplish a lot on Wed – Saturday… doctors appt for the boys, errand running and letter writing, laundry and house cleaning and some cooking and the gardening…so it was satisfying. But I did not make Easter baskets or worry about a big meal… I just couldn’t this year.
The day of resurrection and new birth and new life was just too hard to contemplate, so soon after my sister’s death. It is not that I have turned from my God… just that I have distanced myself a bit.. taking a break. I know He does not take a break from me, but I need some space.. some space to be angry, to be sad.. and I am not ready for all my emotions to come spilling out in church, which I knew would be the case. Hoping my sister has experienced the joy of life after death, that she feels well and happy and at peace. That she is not sad without her husband and son…
Instead, when the man about the place asked about church, I said no. And we went to Pilot Mountain instead. A family day, hiking in the warm spring weather, enjoying each other’s company, seeing new life in the mountainside.. dangling my feet in the Yadkin river and enjoying some solitude as they went up river and fished, and thinking of my sister and of God’s grace and hoping she was enfolded in it, believing as well as I can from this side that she is surrounded by His love.
It is becoming more apparent to me that modern life has been a good excuse for sweeping my sorrow under the rug.. and there is a river of tears that eventually needs to come out. It had been my intent to do so over break.. while 2/3 of my kids were still in school (they have break this coming week)…but it was not to be due to its shortened nature, and all my kids home 2 of the 3 days I had off. So, I push it off again. 10 more weeks, when summer comes.. then I will grieve, and work through the sorrow, and apologize to God for my anger and find my way back to Him…that soul work will come and needs to come. And because I am created in His image, I know He understands, and waits patiently, for me to get a grip.
Today, we celebrated in an unusual way.. but resurrection and the sacrifice of Christ and my sister’s new life were in my mind all day… more so than on any other Easter, when egg hunts and baskets and ham dinners cloud the way. I think it was the right choice.. in any case, it was the choice I made, and certainly, I feel I got a great deal out of it, in my silent all day conversation with the heavens.
John 11:25-26 – Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”
This is one of my favorite camp songs of all time.. each summer from 4th grade til high school we would sing this in the summer…. we sang it at a quicker tempo and we clapped at various point in the refrain..but it is a lovely song.