The holidays flew by as they are wont to do….it seems I spent so much time anticipating the days off, to have them just disappear in the blink of an eye.
I always have to fight off melancholy in January, particularly this first week or so, as I face a bit of sadness over what didn’t get done or finished in the old year, and the worry about charting a good course for the new year. I have enjoyed reading this blog this morning: it puts my thoughts into better words than I can write, and it outlines a plan of attack.
2012 will be a challenge I am sure. Our 18 year old continues to keep us on our toes, and I am not handling this with grace. I would like to. We must survive this last semester of his high school years, and prepare him for the next stage: he has enlisted, and plans to leave in August for basic training. He has biweekly meetings this winter to prepare. This is all so scary and leaves my heart worried and concerned.. will he go through with it? Will he be ready for it? Will I be ready for it with the right frame of mind.. right now, I would send him almost anywhere, just to be free from the burden of him. That pulling away, that asserting of independence without the maturity to receive that gift – has taken a toll on all of us.I have been told time and time again, by older experienced parents, that they come back around – that they eventually come back to being the sweet, creative people we knew when they were in the golden age of childhood. For now, I am often ashamed of my feelings toward him.. my anger when he behaves in ways I did not bring him up to be, my shame when he makes choices I feel are wrong. I always knew I would be a better mother for babies and small children. I feared the teen years – and this is why. This feeling of incompetence on my part, of not being wise enough to know what to do. If I could just peer into a crystal ball and know the story would come out alright….
Our second son will be trying out for the high school baseball team… he made the summer league team, but this will be different. Over 40 guys are expected to try out. It will be our first experience with a high school team if he makes it, and helping him learn to balance his academics and his sport – I hope the transition will go smoothly.
The youngest is showing some signs of distraction like his oldest brother. He is heading into the preteen years very clearly – but still sweetly.Knowing how to help him compensate and cope should be easier the second time around, but if there is one thing I know for certain, is no 2 kids are alike, and just when you think you have it figured out, the next child throws you for a loop.
My parents are struggling health wise, so it may be that this is a tough year for them. My job continues to be a source of stress and makes it so hard for me to be the mother I want to be, with the teacher modern society demands I be.
Who knows? I seem to be borrowing a whole lot of trouble here, and anticipating the worst. And that is exactly the opposite of what I would like to be.. cheerful, optimistic, ready to embrace all the challenges that come my way with grace and wisdom.
Set jaw, set times, set sights, set back to the wind…and unfold arms, like wings extending.
A New Year blows in.
I feel that Spirit wind catch, lift.
We are set to Soar into the impossible.